Accepting Your Need by Guest Writer Miriam Dumlao
Written by Miriam S. Dumlao
Do you experience a lingering sense of mistrust when someone tries to get close to you? When someone does manage to get close, do you freak out and shut down, or find yourself doing irrational things that mess it all up? Have you felt the weight of trying to figure it all out on your own, fearing that you’ll seem needy or weak to others?
If so, please consider this: At the root of these beliefs and behaviors, there is in an unmet need and an unhealed wound.
No matter who you are, it’s safe to say that, when you hold a newborn baby, the first thing that comes to mind is not that this child is a monster or evil. We don’t dwell on the fact that this babe is eventually going to fail or disappoint us. Now consider that, deep within every single person is that delicate, beautiful, newborn child. As psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera explains, “When we’re born, we are dependent on caregivers for our survival.” If early on in life, you receive a sense of security that your physical and emotional needs will be met, this security sets the foundation for healthy relationships throughout the rest of your life. Examples of this security are the expectation that physical needs (food, shelter, water, and clothing) would be provided for, the freedom to voice your feelings without negative consequences, the confidence that you are loved and accepted without earning acceptance or the assurance that you don’t lose that acceptance even when you make mistakes.
Many of our caregivers were unable to provide such security, often times due to the lack of security in their childhoods. In turn, our needs have remained unmet. As time has passed, those needs have turned into wounds (triggers) and unhealthy patterns have developed, like a person trying to walk on an ankle that’s repeatedly injured and improperly healed.
Despite all of this, IF there is even an ounce inside of you that feels fed up with how things are, longs to heal from the past, to trust others and to maintain healthy and meaningful relationships (and this is an enormous “if”), please consider the follow questions:
1. What do I need? - Consider yourself.
From the time I was in 3rd grade to today, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even friends have shared my parents’ extremely family-centered home. It was so fun to have a tribe as a kid, yet so easy for individuality to be overlooked. Once I hit my 20’s, I was dying to set myself apart from my family. I moved to Australia, Nepal, Thailand, even moved to New York City on a whim. I had this deep sense in my gut that I was meant to do things greater than anything my family had yet done before, but unfortunately, I had to leave the culture of our family that valued the group over individuality.
Each of us is a special combination of unique personality and gifting that is hardwired for affirmation and love. Every person, whether they admit it or not, has a longing to be seen, understood, and celebrated for who they are apart from what they do or who they’re connected to. It took me losing my home, my jobs, my relationships, my possessions, and the tiny empire I’d built for me to finally confess that I didn’t know my worth apart from my actions and associations. I needed help to clearly see what I knew deep down - there is not nor will there ever be another Miriam S. Dumlao. I am important and valuable in and of myself.
2. Where did my need first go unmet? - Consider the source.
As I said before, I grew up around a lot of people, so not much was solely my own. When I began playing music, I was so excited to finally let my individuality shine. The night my dad first saw me play the drums, I remember sitting in the very back seat of our Dodge Caravan, when my mother asked him, “Pa, what did you think of Miriam’s playing?” In his heavy, Filipino accent and deep, growly voice, he answered, “Good, but she could’ve done better.” Even as I type this, my eyes fill with tears.
The human need for a “good job” is important between peers, but especially important between caregivers and children. This need to be celebrated is natural and, when met, it builds us up into confident, risk-taking humans. That night in the van, I was young, vulnerable and needed to be built up. It is no surprise to me that, at 35 years old, I still sometimes find myself looking for the confidence to perform in front of others and to feel assured that I am good enough.
When I reflect on where my need was first betrayed, I give myself the opportunity to heal through understanding the bigger picture. Since the night in our van, I’ve thought a lot about how my father wasn’t taught to celebrate his victories as much as feel shame about his losses. Though I don’t let my dad’s behavior slide without acknowledging it, I’ve often imagined my father as a little boy who’s needs were left unmet, and it helps me to forgive, to heal, and to have compassion for him. It also helps me to feel gratitude because, though he is still far from perfect, I can see how he does his best to love me the way he knows how. In my experience, forgiveness, compassion and gratitude heal and rebuild my trust of others. They help me to release my past, and move into the future with hope.
3. Who is stepping in to meet my need? - Consider the future.
I was once walking with a group of friends, when it began to rain. A guy who had feelings for me at the time came up beside me and put his umbrella over my head. Being the independent woman that I was (terrified of love), I quickly said, “I’m fine” and gestured him to step back. Thankfully, my roommate, who was walking right behind me, whispered into my ear, “Let him help you - receive!” My whole body tensed up, flooding with both embarrassment and anger. Yet, I remember going home and reflecting on how much I’d blocked love from coming into my life because I didn’t trust it - there always seemed to be ulterior motives. I knew that I needed to get down to the source of this mistrust if I was ever going to find real love, and I couldn’t have done so without Amy, who loved me enough to set me straight.
When you experience something for the first time, your brain creates a groove on its surface associated with that experience. For instance, if as a child, a dog bit you, unless you rewire your brain to think otherwise, your body may react in terror at the sound or sight of a dog. This reaction alone reinforces the groove in your brain that dogs are not good, even if the dog doesn’t come near you. How much more unwiring do our brains need in order to react differently to situations after all the things we’ve had to endure?
Each of our lives is a garden, meant to shade each other and feed each other. None of us are born with the knowledge and the skills to garden well. So how can we expect to grow anything without learning how to do so, or if our soil is neglected and weeds overgrown? Some of us have experienced deep trauma, and those experiences are like someone coming in and burying landmines in your garden, making it unsafe for anyone to come in without blowing both yours and their legs off - your reactions to pain become more erratic or explosive, even in the moments you try hard to control yourself.
If you feel like there are unmet needs and unhealed wounds in your life, I encourage you, friend: Consider the needs of your inner child. Soberly reflect on when those needs might’ve been neglected or only partially cared for. Bravely seek out what you need. If it’s professional help, make the investment - research the affordable resources available to you through public health groups. Invite the people around you to listen to what you’re learning about yourself, and share with them the kind of relationships you hope for.
As it takes time and patience for a garden to grow, know that it will take time for you to manifest the life and love you desire. But each of us has the ability to do so through healing, unlearning old ways of love and relearning fruitful ways of love. We are meant to live the fullest versions of ourselves - we are worthy of love!
Miriam Dumlao
Nashville-based songwriter, producer, and the leader of the musical group Miriam & The Tipsy Pandas. She is also currently working on her first book The Art Of Intentionality.
You can find Miriam on Twitter and Instagram @miriamdumlao